Fostering Relationships Across the Aisle

by Justin Cade

Political violence has a deep-rooted history in the United States. In 1804, Aaron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel after a series of written correspondences over politics led to a formal challenge. As recently as 2015, a political disagreement led to a woman killing one of her friends with a slow cooker.

None of this is acceptable in a modern democracy. Full stop.

But why does political ideology inspire such strong impulses? Are we more than our ideas, or are they so tightly integrated into our identity that we are unable or unwilling to consider another viewpoint?

Not everyone will rise to the level of violence when they encounter someone with a different political leaning – and that’s a good thing. However, I think we can all relate to the uncomfortable feeling we get when someone we are close to is on the polar opposite side of an issue we care deeply about.

Gun control, immigration, abortion, health care and economic policy are single issues that can easily transcend political party affiliation and create a rift between folks that were previously politically aligned.

What do we do when this happens, and how can we foster the relationships impacted by these deeply held viewpoints?

• Have a dialogue, not a debate — The goal in these conversations is to foster the friendship and learn about the person, not convince them they are wrong. Dialogue is about people working together so that everyone can leave with a better understanding than they did before.
• Be curious — Ask why the other person holds the viewpoint they have expressed and follow that with probing questions to understand why it is important to them. Ask what impact it has had, or could have on their life. Be willing to answer the same questions yourself.
• Practice reflective listening — In conversations like these, it can be easy to fall into the trap of planning your next response and not listening. One way to focus on what the other person is saying is, in your own words, repeating back to them what they said, and asking for confirmation that you got it right. This builds a strong trust that you have heard the other person and care about the conversation.
• Do not judge — The responses in these conversations may reveal incredibly personal information about someone you care about, be mindful to keep the person, and situation or action, separate. You are asking someone to move into a vulnerable space that takes courage and trust to do. Respect both of those.
• Practice empathy — Empathy is about putting yourself in the emotional state of someone else, engaging with them in that space and being compassionate. This rises above judgement and focuses on caring for the person and finding commonalities in their experience than you can connect with and share.
• Walk away — Not every conversation you have will necessarily have a positive outcome – and that’s ok. Timing, external events, a lapse in temperament or even a poor word choice can derail a conversation. If this happens, and the temperature rises to an unhealthy level, give each other the permission to end the conversation and preserve any gains you have made up to that point — then agree to reengage when appropriate.

This could be viewed as a litmus test for your relationships. Are you willing to put the work into fostering them through this process? If not, then how much do you value them at their foundation?

I believe that if you practice these guidelines, you can dramatically improve the strength and depth of your relationships, if you so choose.

Parting thoughts

So much of the political polarization we experience is the result of distortion by media influences on us, both traditional and social. We need to remember that most folks live somewhere nearer the middle of the political spectrum rather than at the fringes.

The labels we put on each other are lazy and keep us from having to understand the nuance of each other’s experience and views, avoid putting them on people you have relationships with and focus on the person and your willingness to understand their perspective.

For those of us In the United States, everyone gets to decide what issues they want to prioritize and how to express them in our political system. We should be thankful that we have that right and ability as too many people across the rest of the world lack that agency.