Cautious Coffee

Fostering Relationships Across the Aisle

Posted on April 10, 2024     Leave a Comment

by Justin Cade

Political violence has a deep-rooted history in the United States. In 1804, Aaron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel after a series of written correspondences over politics led to a formal challenge. As recently as 2015, a political disagreement led to a woman killing one of her friends with a slow cooker.

None of this is acceptable in a modern democracy. Full stop.

But why does political ideology inspire such strong impulses? Are we more than our ideas, or are they so tightly integrated into our identity that we are unable or unwilling to consider another viewpoint?

Not everyone will rise to the level of violence when they encounter someone with a different political leaning – and that’s a good thing. However, I think we can all relate to the uncomfortable feeling we get when someone we are close to is on the polar opposite side of an issue we care deeply about.

Gun control, immigration, abortion, health care and economic policy are single issues that can easily transcend political party affiliation and create a rift between folks that were previously politically aligned.

What do we do when this happens, and how can we foster the relationships impacted by these deeply held viewpoints?

• Have a dialogue, not a debate — The goal in these conversations is to foster the friendship and learn about the person, not convince them they are wrong. Dialogue is about people working together so that everyone can leave with a better understanding than they did before.
• Be curious — Ask why the other person holds the viewpoint they have expressed and follow that with probing questions to understand why it is important to them. Ask what impact it has had, or could have on their life. Be willing to answer the same questions yourself.
• Practice reflective listening — In conversations like these, it can be easy to fall into the trap of planning your next response and not listening. One way to focus on what the other person is saying is, in your own words, repeating back to them what they said, and asking for confirmation that you got it right. This builds a strong trust that you have heard the other person and care about the conversation.
• Do not judge — The responses in these conversations may reveal incredibly personal information about someone you care about, be mindful to keep the person, and situation or action, separate. You are asking someone to move into a vulnerable space that takes courage and trust to do. Respect both of those.
• Practice empathy — Empathy is about putting yourself in the emotional state of someone else, engaging with them in that space and being compassionate. This rises above judgement and focuses on caring for the person and finding commonalities in their experience than you can connect with and share.
• Walk away — Not every conversation you have will necessarily have a positive outcome – and that’s ok. Timing, external events, a lapse in temperament or even a poor word choice can derail a conversation. If this happens, and the temperature rises to an unhealthy level, give each other the permission to end the conversation and preserve any gains you have made up to that point — then agree to reengage when appropriate.

This could be viewed as a litmus test for your relationships. Are you willing to put the work into fostering them through this process? If not, then how much do you value them at their foundation?

I believe that if you practice these guidelines, you can dramatically improve the strength and depth of your relationships, if you so choose.

Parting thoughts

So much of the political polarization we experience is the result of distortion by media influences on us, both traditional and social. We need to remember that most folks live somewhere nearer the middle of the political spectrum rather than at the fringes.

The labels we put on each other are lazy and keep us from having to understand the nuance of each other’s experience and views, avoid putting them on people you have relationships with and focus on the person and your willingness to understand their perspective.

For those of us In the United States, everyone gets to decide what issues they want to prioritize and how to express them in our political system. We should be thankful that we have that right and ability as too many people across the rest of the world lack that agency.

Spring Cleaning: The Perfect Time to Dust Yourself Off

Posted on March 13, 2024     Leave a Comment

by DeRae Crane

Congratulations! If you’re reading this and living in the northern hemisphere, that means you’ve just about made it through another winter. Spring is upon us. The north will soon throw off its winter coat, burst with vibrant colors, and beckon us outside to play, congregate, and adventure. I don’t know about you, but I have always felt the urge to tackle the long-overdue projects that I put off over winter. Spring cleaning should not only be focused on physical clutter, but as a chance to declutter our lives, our habits, and our minds.

Ahhh, the satisfaction of an organized, fresh smelling space after a thorough cleaning. But the benefits can go far beyond our senses and aesthetics. Studies have shown that clutter can contribute to stress, anxiety, and even difficulty focusing. A cluttered environment creates a constant low-level mental strain as our brains (subconsciously) try to process the clutter around us. Our brains are something else, think of the clutter as open windows on your computer – slowing it down. Spring is the time to close those open windows, and programs running in the background bogging you down.

By decluttering our lives, we create the foundation for growth, for pursuing new goals, and for experiencing the world with a renewed sense of energy and possibility.

So, this spring, take the concept of spring cleaning a step further. Let’s delve into the corners of our lives and declutter the mental and emotional baggage that might be holding us back:

• Declutter Your Schedule: Look at your calendar. Is it overflowing with commitments that leave you drained and overwhelmed? Be honest with yourself about what truly sparks joy and what feels like a chore. Can you delegate tasks, say no to requests that don’t align with your priorities, or batch similar errands to free up time? If it’s not a, “hell yes,” it’s a no from me.
• Declutter Your Relationships: Just like physical clutter, toxic relationships can drain your energy. Spring cleaning your social circle doesn’t mean ditching everyone you have the occasional disagreement with. But it does mean identifying relationships that are consistently negative, unsupportive, or emotionally draining. Do it now and thank yourself later.
• Declutter Your Digital Space: Our inboxes, desktops, and social media feeds can become dumping grounds for digital clutter. Unsubscribe from emails you don’t read, delete unused apps, and be mindful of who you follow online. Curate your digital space to reflect what inspires and motivates you. Last year I started an “Unfriend” series on my Facebook page, having some fun and encouraging interaction with my Facebook friends (those left standing anyway).
• Declutter Your Habits: Are there habits that are no longer serving you? Maybe it’s mindless scrolling on social media before bed, skipping workouts, or negative self-talk. Identify these habits and replace them with positive ones that contribute to your well-being. There are days when the first thing I do in the morning is give myself a literal round of applause (there’s really no need to wait for the applause of others).
• Declutter Your Mind: Our minds are constantly bombarded with thoughts, worries, and to-do lists. This mental clutter can be overwhelming. Techniques like meditation (not medication), journaling, and spending time in nature can help us quiet the chatter and create space for clarity and focus. Plan a day trip to the nearest national forest. Let us know if you notice a positive impact to your mood.

Spring cleaning your life isn’t about achieving some unrealistic state of perfect organization. It’s about creating space – physical, mental, and emotional space. It’s about making room for the things that truly matter, the things that bring us joy, peace, and a sense of purpose. How you go about doing that is your call. Your life, your rules.

By decluttering our lives, we create the foundation for growth, for pursuing new goals, and for experiencing the world with a renewed sense of energy and possibility. So, this spring, grab a metaphorical trash bag and get ready to tackle the clutter that’s holding you back. You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel. One last thing before I go, maybe reach out to someone you’re long overdue to reconnect with.

Shaping Our Future Beyond Biden vs. Trump

Posted on February 28, 2024     Leave a Comment

Voting. It’s the cornerstone of our democracy and a means for us to shape the communities in which we live and work. We should be thrilled to express our values, beliefs, and aspirations for our country each year as we cast our vote at the ballot box.

But are we thrilled with our options?

As we approach Super Tuesday on March 5 – where 16 states and one U.S. territory will hold their presidential primaries and caucuses – it’s becoming obvious that America is set for a rematch between Joe Biden and Donald Trump.

However, according to a Feb. 21 Quinnipiac Poll, 58% of registered voters have an unfavorable opinion of Trump while 56% have an unfavorable opinion of Biden.

In a text conversation this week, DeRae suggested that the election in November will be “a sh*t show.” Sadly, I don’t think he’s wrong. Our country is too divided, and data suggests that Americans will cast their ballot in 250 days for a candidate the majority of the country isn’t fond of.

We can do better – and it starts at the local level.

In 2023, state elections made decisions on property taxes, recreational use of marijuana, mandatory retirement age for state judges, welfare benefits, and more. Digging deeper at the school board elections across the country from 2021-22, elections saw issues such as censoring teachers, mental health, school safety, how reading is taught, and federal COVID recovery funding on the ballot.

The problem? Americans don’t like voting.

According to data journalist Mona Chalabi, voter turnout was 66.8 percent in the 2020 presidential election, 50.3 percent in the 2018 midterm elections, less than 15 percent for municipal elections, and 5-10 percent for local school board elections.

Further, Pew Research suggests that the “U.S. voting-age population turnout is still behind many other countries.” Simply put: Low voter participation means there is general disinterest in politics or a prevalent perception that choosing one candidate has minimal impact on the outcome of an election.

Democracy thrives when an electorate is engaged, informed, and refuses to settle for complacency. Right now, our country is failing – particularly at the local level.

So how can we create change?

I don’t have all the answers. But I have ideas.

Whether it’s getting involved in a grassroots movement on a local school bond issue, volunteering to phone bank and canvas a neighborhood for a ballot measure, or attending local city council meetings and public hearings – these actions can lead to substantial real-world impacts. Your voice can be heard by your friends and neighbors. The causes that matter to you can also matter to them.

You have the power to create change – but only if you vote and engage in the political process.

I get it. You’re not a fan of Biden or Trump. You’re preaching to the choir. But the issues and candidates on the ballot matter for you and your family. They shape how schools are funded, how roads are repaired and infrastructure is developed, how first-responders modernize and train, and so much more.

If you’re feeling disengaged this election season – I hear you. But let’s get over that hurdle together.

I’ll leave you with this:

• People are afraid to have a conversation with someone that has a different opinion. If someone shares a different political viewpoint than you, that’s ok. Listen to them. Understand why they believe what they do rather than dismissing them.
• Open discourse and open dialogue are healthy – and it’s something that we need. We can’t just shout and expect change.
• Consume as much information as you can. Read from both sides. Hear people. Listen to people to help inform your decision – the one that is best for you and your family.
• At the end of the day, we’re all on the same team. When we wake up on Wednesday, Nov. 6, 2024, we’re still living in the same country and we still have to work together. Let’s make this a country that we’re proud of moving forward. Our country deserves it.

Your Life Depends On Articulating Your Abilities

Posted on February 21, 2024     Leave a Comment

by DeRae Crane

Many years ago, I was asked the question: “What can you do?”

At the time I was taken aback by the question. I think it may have been a combination that I wasn’t ready for the question, and “I don’t know you. Your energy is abrasive.” Upon reflection and given my ways of extreme ownership, whatever the reason, it’s on me. I’m not immune to projection. What I know now is that it’s not only great to be able to answer the question, “What can you do?” should others ask, but it’s great for your own practice of reflection, growth, and evolution.

It doesn’t matter the time in human history, self-promotion reigns supreme. The ability to articulate your skills isn’t just a nice-to-have, it’s a potent superpower. Whether you’re navigating a competitive job or dating market, building a personal brand or tyrannical empire, or simply navigating everyday interactions, being able to clearly and concisely communicate what you can do is key to unlocking the success you seek. But why is it so important, and how can you cultivate this seemingly elusive skill?

The ability to articulate your skills isn’t just a nice-to-have, it’s a potent superpower… Articulation is your megaphone, the pen your sword.

Imagine two individuals with equal talent and experience. One stumbles through explaining their abilities, while the other paints a vivid picture of their expertise. Who do you think leaves a lasting impression?

The ability to articulate your skills goes beyond simply listing them. It’s about weaving a narrative that piques the interest of others, showcasing your strengths and demonstrating the value you bring to the table. The clarity builds trust and credibility, igniting opportunities and relationships. I should note that many a charlatan have mastered this skill, running circles around the gullible. Don’t be a charlatan, be yourself. If you’ve done the work – I promise you, you’re good enough.

It’s not magic. Like anything else, it takes getting the reps. But it starts with the pen. Being able to effectively communicate a position starts with writing down and revising your position. Once you have a handle on it, start using it (getting the reps). Keep reviewing and revising. Pretty soon you’ll be able to more easily:

• Attract opportunities: Whether it’s a job you’re interested in, a new client, or a collaboration, people need to know how you can benefit them. Clear communication paints a compelling picture of your value proposition.
• Lead and influence: Effective communication inspires, motivates, and guides others. Whether you’re leading a team or simply advocating for an idea, articulation fuels your ability to influence and make a difference.
• Build strong relationships: Clear communication fosters trust and understanding, the cornerstones of healthy relationships. Articulating your thoughts and feelings authentically strengthens connections with colleagues, friends, and loved ones.
• Boost your confidence: When you know how to communicate your worth effectively, you naturally feel more confident. This self-assurance empowers you to take risks, embrace challenges, and pursue your goals with conviction (soon you’ll be able to answer, “What do you want to do?” and “What do I desire most?”)

The good news is, articulation is a skill you can develop. Here are some tips to get you started:

• Identify your strengths and value proposition. What makes you unique? What can you offer others? Reflect on your experiences and accomplishments to build a clear understanding of your value.
• Practice active listening. Pay close attention to conversations and interactions. Observe how effective communicators present themselves and learn from their techniques (I used to attend Lakewood Church every Sunday to watch Joel Osteen deliver his sermons).
• Seek feedback. Ask trusted friends, colleagues, or mentors for honest feedback on your communication style. Use their insights to identify areas for improvement.
• Don’t let your fear of speaking in front of others keep you from speaking up. Practicing speaking in front of others is a great way to build confidence and refine your communication skills. You’ll stumble at first – just like everyone else.
• Read extensively. Expose yourself to well-written content and diverse writing styles. Analyze how authors effectively and thoughtfully communicate their ideas.
• Write. Hello! Writing allows you to explore your own mind. Writing is tilling the soil of your thoughts. New thoughts will sprout, others will be pruned, and new seeds of thoughts will be planted. If you speak a word to no one else in your life, at least you’ll have a better idea of who you are. And there may be nothing as important given the world as it exists.

You’ll have found your voice in a noisy world, where it’s easy to feel lost in the crowd and be swept up by it. Articulation is your megaphone, the pen your sword. By honing your ability to communicate your strengths and value, you unlock opportunities, build meaningful connections, and amplify your impact – defensively and offensively. Remember, your voice matters. Find it, use it, and watch your world transform.

The Importance of Moving Through Life in Your Purpose

Posted on February 14, 2024     Leave a Comment

by DeRae Crane

Imagine life as a vast, untamed forest. Paths wind and twist, some leading to sun-dappled vistas with extraordinary views, others to impassable, tangled, and muddy undergrowth where a dead end awaits. At a crossroads we stand. Motivation fades quickly when the purpose was never clear. This is where a stated purpose keeps us going, a compass guiding us towards the path that resonates with our deepest desires, leading us to fulfill our own unique potential.

Living in your purpose isn’t about chasing a singular, grand ambition that goes as planned. It’s about recognizing the whispers of your soul in the quiet of your mind, the activities that light you up and make your heart hum. Energy! It’s the artist who finds solace in the stroke of a brush, the healer whose touch brings solace to others, the engineer who builds bridges between dreams and reality. The creator that brings an idea to life.

Here’s why embracing your purpose is so crucial:

• Fulfillment. It’s not just about achievement: Life becomes a tapestry woven together with meaning, not just a checklist of tasks but an entire body of work. Every second of every day holds the promise of igniting your passion, each challenge you face, an opportunity to grow. The pursuit of purpose isn’t paved with relentless pressure, but with the sweet satisfaction of knowing you’re walking a path aligned with your inner compass, what you desire most.
• Passion fortifies resilience: When you move towards your purpose, obstacles become stepping stones, not roadblocks. Adversity is mere opportunity, another dragon to slay. The fire within fuels your determination, pushing you through moments of doubt, fatigue, and hopelessness. You build new strength that you’ll forever possess. Forged in the fire of action, a greater resilience is born within you and a conviction that your journey holds lasting meaning.
• Connection and contribution: Living in purpose allows you to connect with others who share your spark. You become part of a tribe united by a common passion, a shared purpose, amplifying each other’s voices and creating ripples of positive energy. Far too often, people are devoid of purpose and direction. When your cup is filled with purpose, it becomes much easier to discern who does and does not belong in your life. Given that, beware of spending too much time with people who lack purpose.
• Growth: Embracing your purpose is a lifelong dance with self-discovery. As you navigate the path, you encounter new facets of yourself, talents waiting to be unearthed, strengths yet to be tested, and weaknesses you never knew were there. This constant evolution keeps you engaged, making you ever so self-aware, curious, and forever learning, ensuring that life never loses its spark. Legends never die, they merely recreate themselves.
• A legacy of inspiration: When you live in alignment with your purpose, you inspire those around you. Your passion becomes a beacon to others, encouraging them find their own unique paths. You leave behind a legacy not of fortunate or fame, but of a life lived with authenticity, a testament to the power of following your inner compass, honestly, unapologetically, and adventurously.

So, how do you find your purpose?

It’s not an overnight quest, but a journey of self-exploration. The sooner you find it, the better off you’ll be. Listen to the whispers of your heart that pull you towards certain activities. Experiment, try new things, stumble and rise. Engage with the world, learn from others, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. Remember, your purpose isn’t a destination, but a direction. It’s about aligning your actions with your values, your passions and potential. It’s about waking up each morning with a sense of purpose, knowing that every step you take is like a brushstroke on the canvas of the life you’re creating.

Living in your purpose isn’t about chasing a singular, grand ambition that goes as planned. It’s about recognizing the whispers of your soul in the quiet of your mind.

Embrace your purpose, and watch your life unfold as a masterpiece of meaning and fulfillment, something you can be proud of when you reach the end of your time here on this pale blue dot.

Navigating Our Mental Wellness

Posted on February 7, 2024     Leave a Comment

by Austin Staton

Last week I thought I was having a heart attack. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion analyzing the warning signs. The entire sequence of events that afternoon was alarming. I immediately left the office and sought care at an urgent care facility where my vitals were quickly tested and a precautionary EKG was administered. All of my vitals game back normal.

After speaking with the doctor, it was clear – it was an anxiety attack. Simply put: there was nothing medically to worry about.

So, what caused it?

I believe it was likely anxious thinking that I had bottled up inside and my failure to effectively process the recent passing of a fraternity brother. He was 39 and an incredibly kind person – a human that we should all aspire to be like. His life was tragically cut short.

While I’d like to think that I am open about my emotions and mental health – especially on Cautious Coffee – there are some things that I don’t always process outwardly and I tend to bottle them up inside before they reach a breaking point. I don’t know why, but it is what it is.

So where do we go from here?

While I stress the importance of taking care of your personal mental wellness, I’ve never sought professional counseling. I’m not sure if it’s a stigma or a fear – I’ve just never considered seeking guidance or opening discussing it. It’s time to change.

As Jeremy opined on this week’s episode of the podcast, there are three pegs that hold up our anxious thinking: our overestimation of risk, the impact error and our overestimation of bad things, and that we underestimate our own resources to deal with the problem.

You know the data – about one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. Navigating our mental health alone isn’t easy.

While I’m not a subject matter expert, I believe there are four immediate actions I can take to create a positive future for my mental wellbeing:

1. Professional Support: Don’t hesitate to seek help from a therapist or counselor if you’re struggling with anxiety or stress. Professional guidance can be crucial in developing effective coping strategies. Most of the companies we work for offer some sort of Employee Assistance Program (EAP). If you’re not familiar with your EAP benefits, I’d encourage you to explore them. I’m already taking on that process.
2. Mindful Practices: Incorporate mindfulness techniques like meditation, deep breathing, or yoga into your daily routine. Even a few minutes a day can help reduce stress and anxiety.
3. Regular Exercise: I need to be more diligent about this. Engaging in physical activities like walking, jogging, or going to the gym releases endorphins, improving mood and mental clarity.
4. Work-Life Balance: Set clear boundaries between work and personal time to avoid burnout. This means having specific work hours and dedicating time to relax and enjoy personal activities. If you have vacation time, use it.

Managing anxiety and mental health is crucial for all of us as it can significantly impact both personal well-being and professional performance. As DeRae Crane often tells us: know your brain and body. You only have one life – take care of yourself. You aren’t guaranteed a second chance. Do it for yourself and those that you love.

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many supports, services and treatment options that may help. Learn more.

Why Your Circadian Rhythm is Where it All Starts.

Posted on January 31, 2024     Leave a Comment

by DeRae Crane

I want you to do better in 2024! I know you probably have some awesome fantastic fitness goals. You probably have some professional and financial goals as well. If you’re late to the game, it’s ok – January is definitely a free trial month. But before you go putting the cart in front of the horse. I want to call a timeout.

The only thing I want you to focus on right now is getting to bed on time. That’s right. That’s it. On time meaning early enough for you to get at least seven hours of sleep. That doesn’t mean, 11 p.m. to 6 a.m. (seven hours), it’s more like 9:30/10 p.m. to 6 a.m. You’ll need an eight to eight-and-a-half hour sleep opportunity to pull off seven hours of sleep. Anything less and you’re cheating yourself. Once you get your sleep in a good place, we’ll talk about a workout routine. Deal?

Now about that circadian rhythm. Sleep and your circadian rhythm are a powerful duo that impact everything from your physical health to your mental well-being, making them the foundation of a healthy life. Knowing that you measure what matters, I ordered and subscribed to Whoop early last year when I returned to boxing and employed it to help me optimize my performance. I can’t track my sleep if I’m not able to measure the amount and quality.

Before we go any further, I want to list in order the most important things you can control and modify to prime you to achieve everything you want to achieve this year.

1. Sleep: Most important, can’t live without it – recommend at least seven hours, with an 8-9 hour sleep opportunity.
2. Hydration: A close second, also can’t live without it – recommend at least 2L (add 1/2 tsp salt, 1 lemon, 1tsp of trace minerals to hydrate cells). Only drink out of plastic container if you have to.
3. Nutrition: Recommend protein at every meal.
4. Exercise: Recommend walking two miles most days, if nothing else.
5. Relationships: Value the ones that bring joy into your life. Cut loose the ones that don’t.

Your brain is running the show and it needs sleep to go. Think of your circadian rhythm as your body’s conductor, orchestrating a 24-hour symphony of hormones and bodily functions.

Sunlight exposure in the morning dims the production of melatonin, the sleep hormone, keeping you alert. As darkness falls, melatonin kicks in, lulling you to sleep and allowing your body to repair and recharge. Whether you use your body, brain, or both all day, they both need adequate stimulation, rest, and recovery to get the most out of them.

Investing in quality sleep is an investment in your health and happiness.

• Mental well-being: Say goodbye to focus and hello to brain fog! Poor sleep impairs memory, learning, and decision-making, and can even worsen anxiety and depression. You call yourself a leader? Not with those sleeping habits, you’re in no position to be making executive decisions.
• Mood swings: Ever feel irritable after a bad night’s sleep? It’s not just you! Sleep deprivation disrupts your emotional regulation, making you more prone to mood swings and stress. The “Grumpy Gus” everyone talks about at work probably sleeps terribly – poor critter.

So, how can you be a good conductor to your circadian rhythm?

• Embrace the sun: Get some morning sunlight to signal wake-up time to your body. Open those bedroom curtains and let the light in!
• Dim the lights at night: Create a relaxing bedtime routine with minimal screen time to wind down and prepare for sleep. Invest in some blue blocker glasses and red light for the bedroom. The red light can also set the mood for sexy time with your significant other.
• Stick to a sleep schedule: Going to bed and waking up at consistent times, even on weekends, helps regulate your internal clock.
• Move your body: Regular exercise, especially in the morning or afternoon, promotes better sleep quality. Working out or eating 3 to 4 hours before bed can have disruptive effects on your ability to get to sleep and stay asleep.

Investing in quality sleep is an investment in your health and happiness. Prioritize your slumber, and let your circadian rhythm be your guide to a well-rested, vibrant life! Get your sleep and hydration dialed in, then nutrition and exercise. Everything else will flourish after that – including relationships.

I highly recommend you get a Whoop. It’s durable and tracks much more than sleep.

Sweet dreams!

Get a free WHOOP 4.0 and one month free: https://join.whoop.com/CA9CDB